(Recent Secret Phone Call Between U.S. President Donald Trump and Iran Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei obtained by Real Fake News and rendered into colloquial English):
K: Hey Don, how’s it going?
T: Well, not all that great. But my ballroom and arch are gonna be great, the best in history. And the IRS can never investigate me and my family’s finances again! So that’s super cool. But look, can you help me get out of this mess with you guys that Netanyahu got me into?
K: Yeah, I’m sure I can help. Let’s see. Next week why don’t you fly in to Teheran on Air Force One. We’ll give you a huge welcome with American flags and everything. We’ll wine and dine you—you’ll love it. Bring Melania too! And then on Day Two, we’ll sign a peace treaty with lots of pomp and circumstance. You can even have the gold pen we’ll use. We’ll word it so that you don’t take any of the blame for the war—maybe we can even say that WE started it. The main points will be that Iran has total control of the Strait of Hormuz, and all the ships going through it will pay us $2 million per. And we can say that the U.S. will get $100 for each of those ships as its cut.
T: The gold pen! Now we’re talkin’! But you know I wrote The Art of the Deal, so I’m gonna play a little hardball here: We want $150 per month.
K: Damn, you really do play hardball. OK, what about $175?
T: Nope. I’ve got the cards. I insist on $150.
K: OK, you win, $150. Now on the uranium enrichment….
T: Ha, ha, gotcha there too Mo! No uranium enrichment for two full weeks, OK? And then only five nuclear bombs per month.
K: Don, please, man, can we make it seven per month?
T: OK, you guys are pretty good dealmakers too. Eight it is. Now Little Marco says you might want some replications. . . .
K: (Aside to Arash, his translator: Does he mean “reparations”?) Uh, yes, Don, we do need replications. Fifty billion ought to cover it.
T: Aw, come on man! Forty-nine five! My top offer. The taxpayers aren’t gonna like fifty, and some of it might have to come out of my ballroom budget.
K: I swear Don, you really DO drive a hard bargain. OK, forty-nine five. Yeah, all those Democrats in your country will have their tails tucked between their legs when this surren….uh, peace deal is signed. I’m seeing another Nobel for you! Those Democrats will know who came out on top—YOU. If only I had read your book maybe my country could have done a little better on the terms. But I know when I’m licked. Lookin’ forward to seeing you next week in Teheran!
T: Yep, you mighta done better if you studied my book. Anyway, sure glad I won’t have to wipe out your entire civilization now. Oh, by the way, could you lend us a few thousand barrels of oil for Air Force One for the flight over?
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