(Recent Secret Phone Call Between U.S. President Donald Trump and Iran Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei obtained by Real Fake News and rendered into colloquial English):
K: Hey Don, how’s it going?
T: Well, not all that great. But my ballroom and arch are gonna be great, the best in history. And the IRS can never investigate me and my family’s finances again! So that’s super cool. But look, can you help me get out of this mess with you guys that Netanyahu got me into?
K: Yeah, I’m sure I can help. Let’s see. Next week why don’t you fly in to Teheran on Air Force One. We’ll give you a huge welcome with American flags and everything. We’ll wine and dine you—you’ll love it. Bring Melania too! And then on Day Two, we’ll sign a peace treaty with lots of pomp and circumstance. You can even have the gold pen we’ll use. We’ll word it so that you don’t take any of the blame for the war—maybe we can even say that WE started it. The main points will be that Iran has total control of the Strait of Hormuz, and all the ships going through it will pay us $2 million per. And we can say that the U.S. will get $100 for each of those ships as its cut.
T: The gold pen! Now we’re talkin’! But you know I wrote The Art of the Deal, so I’m gonna play a little hardball here: We want $150 per month.
K: Damn, you really do play hardball. OK, what about $175?
T: Nope. I’ve got the cards. I insist on $150.
K: OK, you win, $150. Now on the uranium enrichment….
T: Ha, ha, gotcha there too Mo! No uranium enrichment for two full weeks, OK? And then only five nuclear bombs per month.
K: Don, please, man, can we make it seven per month?
T: OK, you guys are pretty good dealmakers too. Eight it is. Now Little Marco says you might want some replications. . . .
K: (Aside to Arash, his translator: Does he mean “reparations”?) Uh, yes, Don, we do need replications. Fifty billion ought to cover it.
T: Aw, come on man! Forty-nine five! My top offer. The taxpayers aren’t gonna like fifty, and some of it might have to come out of my ballroom budget.
K: I swear Don, you really DO drive a hard bargain. OK, forty-nine five. Yeah, all those Democrats in your country will have their tails tucked between their legs when this surren….uh, peace deal is signed. I’m seeing another Nobel for you! Those Democrats will know who came out on top—YOU. If only I had read your book maybe my country could have done a little better on the terms. But I know when I’m licked. Lookin’ forward to seeing you next week in Teheran!
T: Yep, you mighta done better if you studied my book. Anyway, sure glad I won’t have to wipe out your entire civilization now. Oh, by the way, could you lend us a few thousand barrels of oil for Air Force One for the flight over?
Our Third American Crisis
March 30, 2026 at 4:08 pm (Political Commentary)
Tags: democracy, donald-trump, history, news, politics
The following brief essay has already in its short life had a checkered career. It has been sequentially sent to, and rejected by, The New York Times, USA Today, The Washington Post, and The Clarion-Ledger as a guest editorial. Given its unfortunate, shady, and even leprous career, read at your own risk. On the other hand, if so inclined, feel free to share.
OUR THIRD AMERICAN CRISIS
The dangers of an ambitious demagogue coming to power were not lost on Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson, or Thomas Paine. Hamilton noted in The Federalist, Number 1 that “of those men who have overturned the liberties of republics, the greatest number have begun their career by paying an obsequious court to the people, commencing demagogues and ending tyrants.” Jefferson warned of a presidential incumbent like the current president, who, being defeated in a close election, would “pretend false votes, foul play, hold possession of the reins of government.” In the pamphlet Common Sense Paine saw how “men who look upon themselves born to reign, and others to obey, soon grow insolent,” and in his wartime “The American Crisis” he dismissed pretenders to democracy, who today are the president’s weak-kneed supporters in congress, as the incarnation of “the summer soldier and the sunshine patriot.”
The current president is the fulfillment—in truth, an ominous excess—of these prescient forewarnings. He has made lies, mob-like shakedowns, corruption, rapacious greed, self-idolatry, racism, vindictiveness, moral degradation, election rigging, war mongering, economy wrecking, and even murder our new and shameful presidential reality, all while weakening our national security, birthing despotism, rending our shared bonds, coarsening our culture, finding common ground with dictators, insulting and even threatening our friends, usurping congressional power, and accelerating threats to the earth itself. He wishes to make us his subjects, as we were under George III, but we are not. We are citizens, we have been since 1776, and two and a half centuries later those citizens who cherish democracy will be heard—and will prevail.
Aside from Jefferson’s Declaration of Independence, Paine’s “The American Crisis,” of “These are the times that try men’s souls” fame, is the fiercest document urging separation from Great Britain. George Washington led us through that first American crisis. Mr. Lincoln, by whose high measure of presidential greatness we have fallen so far, from our best to our worst, steered us through our second American crisis.
Now we are in our third, where our own democracy and our political and moral leadership in the democratic world hang in the balance. The shot heard round the world in the first crisis was at Concord, the shot in the second crisis at Fort Sumter. The shot heard round the world in our time was at our national Capitol, a day of treasonous infamy, a day whose seeds have borne a poisonous fruit now sowing its own seeds in sometimes fertile soil. Yet all those traitors have been proclaimed by the current president as patriots and pardoned.
Other times have tried our souls: the Second World War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Vietnam. Yes. Yet in none of those did we face all three of the threats we face now, a fearsome triumvirate: profound internal division among our people and among our politicians, a morally bankrupt president untroubled by character or conscience, and the foundational question as to whether or not our grand, two-and-a-half-century experiment in democracy can, in Lincoln’s words, “long endure” and not “perish from the earth.”
Surely we have suffered long enough the rot and disease and shame which have so afflicted us. Our national fever must break. Let us prove ourselves worthy of the best in our founders and honorable to our children and grandchildren, and let the future say of us that we did so. With our collective voice and vote this November, and despite the intimidation of the president’s masked military-style enforcers in blue cities, we must cleanse the Congress of those who hold loyalty to a would-be dictator and their trembling fear of his wrath above our Constitution, our democracy, and our humanity. We must end our descent into cold and darkness. We must find a more righteous path. Let us now, this day, start to climb back into the light, back into the warmth of a shining sun.
(I am indebted to Kevin McCauley of The Atlantic for Jefferson’s quote in a 1787 letter to Madison and to Jake Lundberg of The Atlantic for Paine’s first quote in Common Sense. The Hamilton quote, the second Paine quote from “The American Crisis,” and Lincoln’s quote from The Gettysburg Address were known to me and are thus not cited as secondary citations.)
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