John Rachal's Blog

Real Fake News

Washington, DC

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt is currently in Walter Reed Army Hospital on a respirator, Real Fake News has confirmed. Immediately after speaking of “the unbelievable work” President Trump had done at the JFK Performing Arts Center, her small head was caught so far up Mr. Trump’s rectal pore that she was unable to breathe for over four minutes. She was rescued by Health and Human Services Secretary and medical expert Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who with difficulty managed to extract her head, now a deep sepia color, while the president dozed. Mr. Kennedy was asked about his heroic rescue and stated, “Oh, it was nothing. Fortunately she had not been vaccinated, and the president’s condition of rectus colosseus, commonly known as big asshole, made the extraction easier.” A follow-up question asked what he thought his uncle would say about the name change of the Performing Arts Center, especially with Mr. Trump’s name first, to which he opined, “I know in my heart he would be so proud.”

That damned Biden. Unquestionably the worst president in history. Just look at some of the things he’s done:

Fired those Inspectors General who could have called him out on all of his corruption!

Extorted a big $400 million jet from one of our allies and is planning to put it in his museum after we spend $934 million to make it like he wants it!

Put some nitwit in as Secretary of Defense who bragged about how he was going to bomb the Houthis while on a non-secured Signal chat and even had a journalist in on the chat!

Put an even bigger nitwit in as Secretary of Health and Human Services whose father was a damned Democrat!

Started a crypto business as president and invited a bunch of rich folks who bought thousands of his coins to a big dinner!

Flew to Scotland at $10 million in taxpayer expense to open his new golf club!

Voted with Russia and North Korea at the UN to claim that Russia didn’t start the Ukraine war!

Extorted universities, law firms, social media tycoons, and broadcasting companies to pay him big bucks in exchange for not suing them!

Hurt Americans but helped China with his tariffs and even promised that Americans would never feel them!

Told Zelensky that if he didn’t cave to American demands to surrender, he was gambling with World War III!

Undermined national security by firing experts and putting in his own lapdogs at the FBI, CIA, and NSA!

Undermined national security by putting in another nitwit as Director of National Intelligence who has defended Putin!

Got himself played by Putin at almost every turn!

Dropped about ten million Americans from health insurance!

Gave the richest Americans a massive tax cut, and added trillions to the national debt in the process!

Got really tight with a sex trafficker!

Shut down USAID which provided food to other nations and thus put a shine on America’s image in the world!

Shut down Voice of America which provided actual news to places in the world that could not get it otherwise!

Turned ICE into his own personal, national police force for grabbing people off the streets, except these police wear masks, which even the Gestapo didn’t do!

Oh, heck, did I say Biden? I meant that other guy. You know, Obama.

Background: At a recent Las Vegas Trump rally, the candidate launched into an incoherent riff about being in a boat with heavy, required boat batteries causing the boat to sink, while a large shark was ten yards away, how a girl got her leg bitten off, and how he would rather be electrocuted than be eaten by a shark. Mr. Trump also referred to “my relationship to MIT.” He had an uncle who taught at MIT decades ago and died in 1985. Mr. Trump’s shark scenario is available on youtube. The following is the psychological assessment ordered by Judge Juan Merchan prior to sentencing Mr. Trump after his recent trial. The confidential assessment was leaked to a Real Fake News reporter.

Psychotherapist: Mr. Trump, let’s begin by chatting about your interest in sharks.

Trump: Sure, I love sharks, but they’re scary. I mean, have you ever seen a great white shark? They can swallow you whole. But then when they do, your body starts to give off an acid that makes the shark need to vomit, so if you’re lucky, and if he hasn’t bitten you in two, you might get vomited back up and go on with your life. The other thing is, if you’re in a boat with a big battery—Joe Biden made that a new law—the boat will sink because the Biden battery makes it so heavy. And then the shark comes over, and you can take the cables and, if the shark swallows you, you can electrocute him. You know my uncle worked at MIT and so that’s how I know these things. Electrocute the bastard, Okay?

Psychotherapist: So you’ve spent a good bit of time thinking about this.

Trump: Absolutely. When I was president, we spent a lot of time in Cabinet meetings talking about sharks and the danger they posed to our country. My generals sometimes wanted to talk about Russia or China but I always had to bring them back to the real threats facing us. And now Joe Biden is making the shark threat worse with his boat batteries. It’s a disgrace. I think those boat batteries are attracting them. It’s like radar waves in the water, you know? The radar waves get tangled up in the ocean waves and the sharks come and attack. And the batteries are so heavy. It took four of my army guys to lift one. Boats sinking everywhere. Grizzly bears are bad too. But if you’ve got the boat battery, and the grizzly comes in the water…those bears…. Now what I’d like to see is a grizzly bear fight a great white shark. The one that would win would be the one who could use the battery. But he bit off the girl’s leg, so she couldn’t get to the battery.

Psychotherapist: So as a personal matter, you are very concerned about sharks and grizzlies, more so than threats from non-democratic states?

Trump: Who wouldn’t be? Putin told me one time—he never interfered in our elections, you know—that he got in a fight with a grizzly one time. The grizzly raised his front leg and took a swipe at him, but Vlad used his judo and threw the bear on the ground, and then he used a sleeper hold on him, the bear went to sleep, and Putin just walked away.

Psychotherapist: Let’s move on from threats in the natural world to your views on international, political threats. Are you concerned that….

Trump: That’s a good point, and I agree with you. In China, they have panda bears, and Joe Biden keeps trying to bring them here. They’re like an invasive species, by the way, and soon we’ll be fighting them everywhere if Biden gets elected. He says all they do is eat coconut sticks, but with my MIT background I know better. They can rip off your leg just like a great white shark, believe me. And with their paws, which are huge, they can turn on those batteries and electrocute you. Hey, bears have paws and sharks have jaws. Pretty good, huh? But the Chinese have figured out how to use those batteries to deal with their panda problem. So yeah, that’s a good point you’re making.

Psychotherapist: Actually, I wasn’t trying to make a point. I was asking about your views on political threats. But we can move on. How do you feel about these criminal charges against you?

Trump: Well, they’re all rigged, you know. It’s like the sharks. Those prosecutors are swimming around looking for innocent victims. They’ll try to swallow you, but you just use the battery and zap—they’re gone. And that Judge Merchan is totally corrupt, just like the sharks. And the jurors ought to be shot. Hey look, it’s been great talking to you, and I like all that you know about sharks. Biden doesn’t know anything about sharks. Maybe you could be the Defense Secretary in my next administration. But right now I gotta go meet with my probation officer, so gotta run.

Psychotherapist’s official report: “Case File 1302, New York District Court, Interviewee, Donald J. Trump. Interview date June 13, 2024. Submitted to Judge Juan Merchan, re conviction of Interviewee on charges of falsification of business records in the first degree related to hush money payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels for purpose of election fraud. Clinical diagnosis: Interviewee is one fucked-up dude.”

Real Fake News Special Report

Los Angeles

The long-running game show Jeopardy hosted Donald Trump, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Matt Gaetz in a “celebrity-politico” game which aired last Tuesday. All three contestants had pledged their winnings to a charity of their choice: The MAGA Foundation for Victims of Unfair Elections (Trump), The Ladies’ Auxiliary of The American Society for the Propagation and Preservation of the Insane (Greene), and The National Association for Eyebrow Awareness and Promotion (Gaetz). Despite questions deemed by regular Jeopardy enthusiasts to be absurdly easy (“My four-year-old could have answered every one of them,” complained one former five-time champion), all three contestants were deeply in the hole at the end of Double Jeopardy. Normal rules would have excluded each of them from Final Jeopardy since they had no money to wager. However, since this situation had never arisen before, Jeopardy management conferred and allowed each of them to wager up to $1000 for Final Jeopardy.

The category was U. S. Presidents, and all three contestants wagered their full $1000. The final question seemed at first to perplex two of the three contestants: “He cut down a cherry tree, led American troops in the Revolutionary War, became the first president, retired to Mt. Vernon, and is on the one dollar bill.” Mr. Trump quickly wrote his answer, Arthur Lincoln. After a quizzical stare into space, Ms. Greene seemed to be humming the Jeopardy jingle, confident that the answer had to be a Georgian, and scribbled Jimmy Carter; while Mr. Gaetz, after raising his eyebrows even higher while peeking to try to see Greene’s answer, jotted down Benjamin Franklin just as the jingle ended. Management again conferred and decided to give all three $1000 each. After the game, a Real Fake News reporter asked Mr. Trump about his performance, and the former president complained to a small crowd that the whole game was rigged against him and he was planning to sue the company and talk with the Proud Boys about a protest, adding, “I’ll be standing in their way when these Jeopardy vermin try to come after you.” 

I have been given the honor of editing President Trump’s 2025 inaugural speech. The President himself has written the first draft, which I have lightly edited here to eliminate or revise some of the possibly offensive remarks and to give it a more human-like and compassionate quality, while simultaneously allowing Mr. Trump’s quirky but invariably charming historical allusions to remain.

My fellow Americans—or at least the ones who voted for me, and especially the ones from Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania—on this the greatest day in American history, I return to the Oval Office after Joe Biden illegally and corruptly stole the 2020 election from me. But don’t worry—he’s headed for jail once I get Steve Bannon in as head over at the Justice Department. Finally that word justice will have some meaning! It sure hasn’t had any meaning with all those fake court cases against me. And don’t worry about my legal expenses; my son Don Jr. will take over the Treasury Department and then those lawyers will get paid. I always pay my debts.

The Democrats better look out! Like I said during the campaign, we’re gonna have some retribution. Those Democrat judges will see how they like it sitting at the defense table. And for those ignorant and corrupt few people who did not vote for me, you can go to hell, and you might go to jail too. I’ll be checking the lists of all those scumbag traitors to our country, like Schiff and Pelosi and, yeah, Pence and Cheney and Killzinger, or whatever the hell his name is. Those vermin are gonna look great in orange jumpsuits! January sixers, you are great patriots, and you’re gettin’ outta jail. And I mean today! I need you in my administration, so start filling out those applications. You guys are gonna be remembered just like James Paine and Thomas Madison and George Jefferson—wait a minute, that was that black guy on TV—oh hell, he can be remembered too. Whatever.

So now that I’m back, we can Make America Great Again. NATO is history! Done! Who needs it? It just gets in the way of letting our friend President Putin do what he needs to do with that Nazi country Ukraine and its mob boss who tried to impeach me, Zezinski. So let’s make Russia great again too! That’s Russian territory anyway. Same for Taiwan—hey, it’s China’s, right? And what has Southern Korea done for us? They all just keep their hands out for good American dollars. Let Putin and those other guys—I forget their names—do whatever the hell they want. We need some Trump hotels in Russia and China and Northern Korea. That’s what real diplomacy is. Screw those so-called European democracies. They just want our money and they’re always whispering behind my back anyway. Besides, they were pulling for the Biden crime family, so they can get a little retribution too. Maybe some carnage! I love that word. Got it from a resaurus. That’s what a good American education will do for ya. We’re gonna bring that back! No more Democrat education! And back to that Europe stuff. Thank God that German dame’s gone. What a dog. Not my type at all.

I love these inaugurations. They’re like my rallies. I think I’ll do one every week. This is the greatest inauguration in history. And hey! It won’t be my last! I’ve decided to do an even better one in 2028—OK, yeah, I know it will really be January of 2029. Some people might be whining about the Constitution—screw ‘em. That guy Fred Roosevelt got FOUR terms! And don’t think he died naturally, either. The Democrats had to bump him off when they found out he was secretly a registered Republican. That’s why he was doing good things for the country—he was a Republican. Well, he was doing some good things. It still kinda pisses me off that he didn’t like my guy in Germany. In fact we should have stayed out of that war. There were some very fine people on both sides, believe me. But he did like my guy in Russia—met with him and everything—so he must not have been too bad.

Down at the border—it’s a disgrace, the worst in American history—we’re sending all these eleven billion Mexicans back. We’re gonna have a new police force dedicated to just doing that. Don’t listen to all those corrupt naysayers who say the economy will collapse. We’ll have the greatest economy ever! And yes, the wall will get built this time, and Mexico will pay for it, believe me. And in dollars, not pesos. I might have to do a little arm-twisting with that Mexico president, but he’ll come around. I’ll be moving some nukes to the border—he’ll see the light. Get it? The “light”?

Some people have wondered why I haven’t chosen my running mate yet for vice-president. So I’m choosing him right now. I’ve decided I’m gonna be the vice-president too. Our great Constitution doesn’t say you can’t, and this way I get to certify the electoral votes when I run in 2028. I’m not having any more Mike Pences screwing that up again. Well, I gotta get to work. This is the biggest inauguration crowd ever in American history! I wanna end with a quote from our second greatest and second tallest president, Abraham Lincoln: “Ask NOT what you can do for your country! Ask what your country can do for YOU!” Thanks for coming, and be sure to send in your donations to the Make America Great Again Foundation! Fifty, a hundred, or five hundred! Do your part to make America great again! And soon Wal-Mart will be carrying my Trump steaks! The greatest steaks in American history! Joe Biden’s a disgrace, the worst in American history! He was such a poor loser he wouldn’t even ride in the limousine with me—said he had to get a haircut. Only I can fix it! I am the chosen one!

Real Fake News Special Report

New York City

Former President Donald Trump announced from Trump Tower today that he “guarantees” that he will win the presidency in 2024. “If I don’t, it will be because the election was rigged again” claimed the twice-impeached former president and convicted sexual assaulter. In that case, he said, “I’m gonna head down to Guyana and start Trumptown, and I’m gonna bring all my People’s Temple folks with me.” Many of those people, who constitute 71% of the GOP according to recent polling, have already sold their cars and homes and donated the proceeds to the People’s Temple in anticipation of President Biden rigging the election, according to Jimmy Jones, a Trump attorney. Asked by an RFN reporter what they will eat and drink in the jungle of Guyana, Mr. Trump replied that they will eat a lot of Trump steaks and drink a lot of beer and Kool-Aid. “I really like grape Kool-Aid,” he added.

No doubt you have read that the Florida legislature is finally considering legislation that will ban any talk of menstruation in public schools prior to grade six. But perhaps you have not seen other developments in this vexed area. As a public service, allow me to take this opportunity to share some of those developments as revealed in recent Florida newspaper headlines in case you might have missed them:

FLORIDA LEGISLATION BANS ELEVEN-YEAR OLD GIRLS FROM TALKING ABOUT MENSTRUATION ANYWHERE IN STATE

GIRLS CAUGHT TALKING ABOUT PERIODS WILL BE SUBJECT TO $10K FINES AND EIGHT YEAR PRISON TERMS; SECOND OFFENSE COULD RESULT IN LIFE PRISON TERM

GOVERNOR TO HIRE 30,000 MENSTRUATION POLICE TO ASSURE COMPLIANCE BOTH IN PUBLIC AND AT HOME

MENSTRUATION POLICE TO BE PAID THROUGH HIGHER TAXES ON TAMPONS, CALLED “USER FEES” BY GOVERNOR

DESANTIS PROPOSES TAMPON RECYCLING PLANT

PEDIATRICIANS AND MOTHERS SUBJECT TO TWENTY-YEAR PRISON TERMS FOR DISCUSSING MENSTRUATION WITH GIRLS UNDER FIFTEEN

GOVERNOR SAYS EARLY PERIODS NOT REAL: “GIRLS’ BODIES HAVE WAY OF SHUTTING THAT WHOLE THING DOWN” 

TEN-YEAR OLD GIRL STARTS PERIOD IN SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS; SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER KNOCKS HER UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE SHE CAN OPEN MOUTH

FEMALE FLORIDA RESIDENTS OVER 18 NOW REQUIRED TO REPORT EACH MENSTRUAL CYCLE TO GOVERNOR’S OFFICE: “NO EXCEPTIONS” 

GOVERNOR’S MOTHER REMINDS HIM THAT POST-MENOPAUSAL WOMEN DON’T HAVE PERIODS

GOVERNOR DENIES ACCUSATIONS OF BEING WOKEAHOLIC; SAYS CAN STOP ANYTIME HE WANTS TO

GOVERNOR ASKS RALLY WHAT OTHER LEGISLATION NEEDED TO HELP GIRLS AND WOMEN

GOVERNOR ADMITS UNDER HYPNOSIS HE STILL HAS WET DREAMS ABOUT YOUNG GIRLS MENSTRUATING

FEMALE LEGISLATORS PROPOSE HEAVY FINES FOR BOYS TALKING ABOUT WET DREAMS

TRUMP CALLS DESANTIS “TAMPON RON” 

Real Fake News Special Report

Washington, D.C.

The Supreme Court, in an expedited ruling, determined that there was fraud in Super Bowl 57A and that a second game would have to be played. The ruling caused shock among Chiefs fans and jubilation among Eagles fans. After hearing arguments from Eagles’ lawyers Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell, the Court determined that, first, during the Rihanna half-time show, four points were unconstitutionally switched from the Eagles to the Chiefs by the scoreboard tabulating machines. Further, in the final minute of the game, the Court ruled that the Chiefs’ decision to run the ball to the two-yard line for a first down rather than go in for the touchdown, thus allowing them to play down the clock to eight seconds and score on fourth down on a short field goal for a 38-35 win, was player fraud which resulted in a stolen Super Bowl. The Court’s decision was 6-3, with Justice Samuel Alito writing for the majority. In a related development, according to an anonymous leaked internal Court memo obtained by RFN, Chief Justice John Roberts asked Justice Alito to stop using ChatGPT to write his opinions and to delete the “Go Eagles!” conclusion from his Chiefs v. Eagles majority opinion.

Real Fake News Special Report

Washington, D. C.

Seven members of the former Trump administration have charged that the Webb Space Telescope is being used to spy on insurrectionists who stormed the Capitol last year. “We are aware that the telescope has the capacity to look back in time” said Mark Meadows, former chief of staff under Trump. “We have evidence that NASA’s false claim that the telescope’s purpose is to look back toward the beginning of the universe is a huge fraud and its real purpose is to look back at January 6^th and spy on American patriots.” NASA spokesperson George Diller immediately rejected the charge, but the meme “Stop the Spying” has already had over four million Facebook shares. Fourteen Republican-led state legislatures have begun investigations. “We’re pretty danged sure this space thing is a fraud” said Texas state senate president Dan Patrick. “We’re gonna have to turn that Democrat telescope around and bring it back home and do a recount on it.”

At 3 a.m. on several mornings Secret Service agents have heard the President moaning and screaming “What did I do wrong?” at the Vladimir Putin portrait hanging above the fireplace in the family quarters

There has been a mass retirement of Secret Service agents fearful of getting assigned to the Trump detail at the whites-only Home for the Mentally Disturbed in upstate New York

Melania has filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband “is a blathering, whining, blubbering, constantly crying, moaning, certifiable idiot”

Jared Kushner has scoured the entire White House looking for all the gold-plaited .357 magnums out of concern that the President might take the Hitler exit

Kushner has applied for a job at Harvard’s Admissions Office for Very Wealthy Donors’ Sons as administrative assistant and advisor

The President has demanded that Justices Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barrett be brought before the Supreme Court on charges of failing to give him the election and “general ingratitude”

Sean Hannity sent a congratulatory note to President-elect Biden and said “Joe, just want you to know that I was just kidding the last four years. You need a press secretary?”

Laura Ingraham, first woman to hold the title of Honorary Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, was found by police in her Washington apartment with four empty bottles of Jack Daniels screaming “Coup! Coup!”

Vice-President Pence told his minister that he agreed that he would spend the next 25 years in a monastery cell begging for absolution for galactic-scale hypocrisy

The White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and three militia organizations pooled their resources and purchased a boxcar load of new and used Trump flags for $7.98 total, plus tax, to be used for recruitment purposes

Attorney General William Barr sent Russian President Vladimir Putin an eighteen page letter asking if Russia needed a new Justice Czar

President Trump’s former and current White House press secretaries Sean Spicer, Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, and Kayleigh McEnany have proposed establishing a Presidential Press Office Integrity Institute to any university interested in hiring them at appropriate salaries and tenured, full professor rank

President Trump stated in the press briefing room that the Founding Fathers made it quite clear in the Constitution that vote counters were required to wear Go-Pro video cameras as they counted votes

At the Lincoln Memorial, several visitors claimed to have seen a smile on Abe’s face