John Rachal's Blog

Real Fake News

Washington, DC

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt is currently in Walter Reed Army Hospital on a respirator, Real Fake News has confirmed. Immediately after speaking of “the unbelievable work” President Trump had done at the JFK Performing Arts Center, her small head was caught so far up Mr. Trump’s rectal pore that she was unable to breathe for over four minutes. She was rescued by Health and Human Services Secretary and medical expert Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who with difficulty managed to extract her head, now a deep sepia color, while the president dozed. Mr. Kennedy was asked about his heroic rescue and stated, “Oh, it was nothing. Fortunately she had not been vaccinated, and the president’s condition of rectus colosseus, commonly known as big asshole, made the extraction easier.” A follow-up question asked what he thought his uncle would say about the name change of the Performing Arts Center, especially with Mr. Trump’s name first, to which he opined, “I know in my heart he would be so proud.”