I have been given the honor of editing President Trump’s 2025 inaugural speech. The President himself has written the first draft, which I have lightly edited here to eliminate or revise some of the possibly offensive remarks and to give it a more human-like and compassionate quality, while simultaneously allowing Mr. Trump’s quirky but invariably charming historical allusions to remain.
My fellow Americans—or at least the ones who voted for me, and especially the ones from Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania—on this the greatest day in American history, I return to the Oval Office after Joe Biden illegally and corruptly stole the 2020 election from me. But don’t worry—he’s headed for jail once I get Steve Bannon in as head over at the Justice Department. Finally that word justice will have some meaning! It sure hasn’t had any meaning with all those fake court cases against me. And don’t worry about my legal expenses; my son Don Jr. will take over the Treasury Department and then those lawyers will get paid. I always pay my debts.
The Democrats better look out! Like I said during the campaign, we’re gonna have some retribution. Those Democrat judges will see how they like it sitting at the defense table. And for those ignorant and corrupt few people who did not vote for me, you can go to hell, and you might go to jail too. I’ll be checking the lists of all those scumbag traitors to our country, like Schiff and Pelosi and, yeah, Pence and Cheney and Killzinger, or whatever the hell his name is. Those vermin are gonna look great in orange jumpsuits! January sixers, you are great patriots, and you’re gettin’ outta jail. And I mean today! I need you in my administration, so start filling out those applications. You guys are gonna be remembered just like James Paine and Thomas Madison and George Jefferson—wait a minute, that was that black guy on TV—oh hell, he can be remembered too. Whatever.
So now that I’m back, we can Make America Great Again. NATO is history! Done! Who needs it? It just gets in the way of letting our friend President Putin do what he needs to do with that Nazi country Ukraine and its mob boss who tried to impeach me, Zezinski. So let’s make Russia great again too! That’s Russian territory anyway. Same for Taiwan—hey, it’s China’s, right? And what has Southern Korea done for us? They all just keep their hands out for good American dollars. Let Putin and those other guys—I forget their names—do whatever the hell they want. We need some Trump hotels in Russia and China and Northern Korea. That’s what real diplomacy is. Screw those so-called European democracies. They just want our money and they’re always whispering behind my back anyway. Besides, they were pulling for the Biden crime family, so they can get a little retribution too. Maybe some carnage! I love that word. Got it from a resaurus. That’s what a good American education will do for ya. We’re gonna bring that back! No more Democrat education! And back to that Europe stuff. Thank God that German dame’s gone. What a dog. Not my type at all.
I love these inaugurations. They’re like my rallies. I think I’ll do one every week. This is the greatest inauguration in history. And hey! It won’t be my last! I’ve decided to do an even better one in 2028—OK, yeah, I know it will really be January of 2029. Some people might be whining about the Constitution—screw ‘em. That guy Fred Roosevelt got FOUR terms! And don’t think he died naturally, either. The Democrats had to bump him off when they found out he was secretly a registered Republican. That’s why he was doing good things for the country—he was a Republican. Well, he was doing some good things. It still kinda pisses me off that he didn’t like my guy in Germany. In fact we should have stayed out of that war. There were some very fine people on both sides, believe me. But he did like my guy in Russia—met with him and everything—so he must not have been too bad.
Down at the border—it’s a disgrace, the worst in American history—we’re sending all these eleven billion Mexicans back. We’re gonna have a new police force dedicated to just doing that. Don’t listen to all those corrupt naysayers who say the economy will collapse. We’ll have the greatest economy ever! And yes, the wall will get built this time, and Mexico will pay for it, believe me. And in dollars, not pesos. I might have to do a little arm-twisting with that Mexico president, but he’ll come around. I’ll be moving some nukes to the border—he’ll see the light. Get it? The “light”?
Some people have wondered why I haven’t chosen my running mate yet for vice-president. So I’m choosing him right now. I’ve decided I’m gonna be the vice-president too. Our great Constitution doesn’t say you can’t, and this way I get to certify the electoral votes when I run in 2028. I’m not having any more Mike Pences screwing that up again. Well, I gotta get to work. This is the biggest inauguration crowd ever in American history! I wanna end with a quote from our second greatest and second tallest president, Abraham Lincoln: “Ask NOT what you can do for your country! Ask what your country can do for YOU!” Thanks for coming, and be sure to send in your donations to the Make America Great Again Foundation! Fifty, a hundred, or five hundred! Do your part to make America great again! And soon Wal-Mart will be carrying my Trump steaks! The greatest steaks in American history! Joe Biden’s a disgrace, the worst in American history! He was such a poor loser he wouldn’t even ride in the limousine with me—said he had to get a haircut. Only I can fix it! I am the chosen one!
John Rachal's Blog 