John Rachal's Blog

Real Fake News Special Report

New York City

Former President Donald Trump announced from Trump Tower today that he “guarantees” that he will win the presidency in 2024. “If I don’t, it will be because the election was rigged again” claimed the twice-impeached former president and convicted sexual assaulter. In that case, he said, “I’m gonna head down to Guyana and start Trumptown, and I’m gonna bring all my People’s Temple folks with me.” Many of those people, who constitute 71% of the GOP according to recent polling, have already sold their cars and homes and donated the proceeds to the People’s Temple in anticipation of President Biden rigging the election, according to Jimmy Jones, a Trump attorney. Asked by an RFN reporter what they will eat and drink in the jungle of Guyana, Mr. Trump replied that they will eat a lot of Trump steaks and drink a lot of beer and Kool-Aid. “I really like grape Kool-Aid,” he added.