John Rachal's Blog

Real Fake News Special Report
Washington, D. C.

Following last week’s announcement that Trump University had conferred a doctor of medicine (M.D.) degree on President Trump (“Wow, this gown is really cool,” noted the president), Mr. Trump announced in today’s press conference that he had promoted himself to five-star general, given the war footing of the country in the coronavirus pandemic. Appearing in his new uniform and wearing a helmet displaying five stars, Mr. Trump told reporters that “Only I can lead the country out of this mess.” When asked by an RFN reporter if his bone spurs would be a problem during his service, the president stated, “Oh no, they’re totally healed up now. My doctor said I was the healthiest five-star general the country has ever had, or ever will have.” A reporter followed up, asking him if he was concerned about a possible Waterloo situation now that he had military leadership responsibilities, and the newly-minted general replied that “No, water resources are working fine. We’ve got the greatest water. But people shouldn’t use too much toilet paper in the ‘loo.”