John Rachal's Blog

Real Fake News Special Reports
Washington, D. C.

President Offers to Buy Canada

President Trump, rebuffed by the Danish Prime Minister after offering to buy Greenland, approached Prime Minister Trudeau of Canada with an offer to buy Canada and Alaska. Told by a Real Fake News reporter that we already own Alaska, Mr. Trump responded by saying “Well then my offer just went down by one million dollars.” Trudeau said that he appreciated the President’s generous gesture, but felt that a majority of Canadians might object. Trump stated that negotiations were ongoing, and once the purchase was made, he would name the vast new territory Trumplandia.

President Sends Aid to Hurricane Victims in Alabama

President Trump released $4.2 million in financial assistance to “the sad victims of Hurricane Dorian in Alabama.” He added that he planned to visit the state and personally toss out rolls of paper towels “to all the people who had lost so much.” On the White House lawn he told reporters that he was “especially thankful that the hurricane missed Montana, which is right beside Alabama.”

Trump Proposes Dropping Nuclear Bomb on Everglades

The White House announced that President Trump is considering dropping an atomic bomb in the Everglades to rid the area of the ever-growing population of invasive pythons. He said that current methods are not working, adding that he “hates those slimy things.” Former National Security Adviser John Bolton told the President that the snakes do pose a security risk, but that a nuclear response seemed excessive, which seemed to annoy Mr. Trump. Asked if he thought the radiation would be a problem for nearby Miami, he replied that “radiation is just more fake science, and besides, the snakes would absorb all of it anyway. We’ll see what happens.”