PRESIDENT SIGNS MAJOR BOOK DEAL
Washington
President Trump recently signed a book deal for an undisclosed sum with Knopf Publishers. The book, My Struggle, chronicles the president’s life from his days as a struggling young artist on the streets of New York through his election to the White House. In a Rose Garden ceremony, he noted that the book would have a much larger reading audience than President Obama’s, and would be a much greater book than all the other presidents’ books, with the possible exception of Lincoln’s. When a reporter observed that Lincoln did not write any books, Mr. Trump responded that in that case his would be the best ever in addition to being the most widely read. Asked by a REAL Fake News reporter if the book is an autobiography, the president angrily replied, “No, I wrote it myself.”
REAL Fake News
TRUMP HIRES VOCABULARY COACH
Washington
In Monday’s daily press briefing, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders announced that the president had hired Dr. Thomas Huffmeister as Presidential Vocabulary Coach and Adviser. Huckabee-Sanders said that the president had heard from top advisers that previous presidents had used words like “sanguinary,” “palliate,” and “sophistries,” and that the president felt that he should “up his game.” Speaking with REAL Fake News, Huffmeister, who is President of the American Academy of Vocabulary Coaches, noted that the president is a quick learner and had already mastered this week’s Level One word, “toxic,” and had used it in several tweets. When asked by RFN if the rate of one word per week was a little slow, Huffmeister stated that most of his clients, citing busy schedules, chose the one-word-per-week module and that the daily word module was usually reserved for advanced students. Huffmeister said that his job would be working with the president on pronunciation, spelling, and contextual usage.
REAL Fake News
TRUMP HIRES, THEN FIRES, VOCABULARY COACH
Washington
Recently hired Vocabulary Coach Dr. Thomas Huffmeister was abruptly fired by President Trump after Huffmeister insisted to the president that “covfefe” was not an actual word, according to unnamed White House sources. As earlier reported by REAL Fake News, Huffmeister had praised the president’s progress with his mastery of the Level One word “toxic,” and yesterday he noted that the president had already progressed to the next week’s Level One word, “somber.” “Our plan was to work on adjectives for the first three months,” Huffmeister stated. However, tension was building between the president and his coach after Huffmeister attempted to explain to the president the differences between the words “heel” and “heal” and “their” and “there.” According to the unnamed source, the president exploded after Huffmeister showed him that “covfefe” was not in the Oxford English Dictionary. Nevertheless, the president told REAL Fake News that “Dr. Huffmeister is a really great guy with a really huge future. It was just a big covfefe.”
REAL Fake News
TRUMP TOUTS ORGANIZATIONS’ SUPPORT
Washington
President Trump, facing growing criticism of his comments blaming the Charlottesville tragedy on “both sides,” issued a written statement listing various academic and professional organizations supporting his recent extemporaneous statements at Trump Tower. Noting that “there is no moral equivalence since the two sides are just the same,” the president praised the leaders of the Global Cooling National Front, the John Muir Clear-Cut Logging Federation, the American Phrenological Association, the Men’s Temperance and Anti-Evolution Coalition, the Society of Biblical Inerrantists, the North American Organization of Alien Abductees, the International League of Clairvoyants and Mind Readers, the Southern Scientology Society, the Four Humours Medical Association, the Midwestern Academy of Fantasists, and the Ladies’ Auxiliary of the American Slavery Denial League. The president commented that “No other president has had the support of these organizations,” and he invited their leaders to a White House dinner and offered them 10% discounts at Trump International Hotel five blocks from the White House for a minimum three-night stay.
REAL Fake News
SAUDI PRINCE SENDS HIT SQUAD TO KILL POPE; NEW TRUMP DILEMMA
Washington
After President Trump said “The United States intends to remain a steadfast partner of Saudi Arabia” and “we’re not going to give up billions of dollars” after the CIA concluded that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman ordered the murder of U. S. resident and Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, Vatican sources claimed that the Crown Prince felt emboldened to go after the Pope, who has also been critical of Saudi Arabia, with an assassination team that flew into Rome on a Saudi jet last Tuesday. Four of the estimated seven unsuccessful assassins were caught with long-range sniper rifles, and all were known to the CIA as associates of the Crown Prince according to a CIA spokesperson. When asked about the incident, President Trump interrupted his golf game and stated that “it could have been some fat guy who had a beef with the Pope, OK?” Following the President’s 18 hole round, in which he noted that he shot a 63, he met with journalists and said “the Pope doesn’t get everything right, believe me, and the prince has let women drive and everything, OK?”
REAL Fake News
OBAMA ADMITS HE FOUNDED ISIS
Chicago
Former President Barack Obama acknowledged to a REAL Fake News reporter in a wide-ranging interview on Wednesday that President Trump had been correct when he charged Obama with being the actual founder of ISIS. The former president noted that he had thought that the group which ultimately became ISIS was a Muslim self-help organization, and, when originally contacted by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, he agreed to serve as founder if al-Baghdadi would handle the day-to-day work as Mullah-in-Chief. Obama said that he was “stunned” when he attended the inaugural session of the organization in Kandahar and saw “all these guys standing around with machine guns.”
REAL Fake News
TRUMP CLAIMS RELIGIOUS CONVERSION
Washington
President Trump told reporters that after reading the entire Young Reader’s Illustrated New Testament over two nights that he spent alone in the White House over Christmas, he experienced a total religious conversion. Noting that staying in the White House by himself was “kind of creepy,” Mr. Trump stated that he “had no idea about this religion stuff” and spoke of a “big deal experience” that has changed his life forever. “That Jesus dude was pretty tough, believe me,” the president elaborated. “I feel like a whole new man,” he noted, and promised that his “lying days are over.” Asked by an RFN reporter if he was familiar with the biblical admonition that a camel has a better chance of getting through the eye of a needle than a rich man has of getting into heaven, he replied that that was a new one for him but “it sounds good to me” and that he would sell all his properties and “give the money to the poor.”
REAL Fake News
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